the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
time to smoke my breakfast
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
