She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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