It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
