so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
