God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
