You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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