i just snorted my name. best moment ever
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
