If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
