She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
