Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
