Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
