Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
