and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
