yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
