Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
