Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
