I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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