my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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