she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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