Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
