God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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