Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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