So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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