Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
50% drunk capacity currently
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
