i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
