Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
