i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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