I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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