I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
