Swine flu. Run for my life!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
