Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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