The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
