ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
