I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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