apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
