My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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