Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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