If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize
