u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
