Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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