Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
