Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
