She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
