Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
