i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
