i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
