i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Two words: blizzard sex
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
