3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
