sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
