apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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